The Orchid THIEF

In what should not be surprising news but still is, the movie “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid” is still number three at the box office and has made twenty four million so far. And I think that screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (he wrote the screenplay for the movie Adaptation) should be laughing his ass off at the movie’s premise.

If you have not seen Adaptation here is the scene that shows why Kaufman should be chuckling:

VALERIE

So, tell me your thoughts on this

crazy little project of ours.

In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book

entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.

KAUFMAN

First, I think it’s a great book.

VALERIE

Laroche is a fun character, isn’t he?

Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of

author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.

KAUFMAN

Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so

fascinating. Plus her musings on

Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.

Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I’d

want to remain true to that, let the

movie exist rather than be artificially

plot driven.

VALERIE

Okay, great, great. I guess I’m not

exactly sure what that means.

KAUFMAN

Oh. Well… I like to let my work

evolve, so I’d want to go into it with

sort of open-ended kind of… and also

not force it into a typical movie form.

VALERIE

Oh. That sounds interesting… what

you’re saying. I mean, I’m intrigued.



KAUFMAN


(blurting)

It’s just, I don’t want to ruin it by

making it a Hollywood product. Like, an

orchid heist movie or something.

Or changing the orchids into poppies and

turning it into a movie about drug

running. Y’know? Why can’t there be a

movie simply about flowers? That’s all.

VALERIE

That’s what we’re thinking. Definitely.

KAUFMAN

Like, I don’t want to cram in sex, or car

chases, or guns. Or characters learning

profound life lessons. Or growing or

coming to like each other or overcoming

obstacles to succeed in the end. Y’know?

The book isn’t like that. Life isn’t

like that. It just isn’t. I feel very

strongly about this.

Okay, if you have not figured out where I am going with this story here is the description for the movie Anacondas: The Hunt for the BLOOD ORCHID.

A scientific expedition is sent to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare black orchid by a powerful pharmaceutical company that hopes the orchid can be used to unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. What they discover is that the orchid is already being used by a powerful group… a swarm of giant snakes that derive their super strength, size and vitality from the flowers, and extremely large snakes are also extremely hungry snakes…

Now I am sure Charlie Kaufman sees this and just thinks “I knew they were going to do something like that.

But I bet if his “brother” Donald was alive, he would think Anacondas was a great script.

About Mikey

I've been blogging and podcasting about Fresno, craft beer, film, music and the such since 2004. I like talking about the things that make Fresno, beer and podcasting unique. When your ears have time, check out my podcasts: Dorktown, Flowing With Famous, The Perfect Pour and Get Off My Podcast. Cheers!

Posted on September 8, 2004, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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