Are you READY for this? (second draft)

In my spare time, I do some screenwriting (along with a trillion other people) so I thought I would start posting a scene or two and see if I can get some feedback from anybody…that means you anybody.

This is the set-up for a short I’ve written entitled “Ready Eddie”. It’s about a dork named ED who, for the first time, is having a girlfriend, VAL, move in with him. I’m using the word “ready” as some sort of a gimmic in this scene. It begins with Val and Ed’s friends debating if the two of them should be moving in together:



INT. PATI’S BACKYARD – DAY

VAL, girl next door type, 21 years old, is laying in a lounge chair by a pool with her friend PATI. Pati’s eight year old boy TEDDY is on the diving board.

PATI

NO WAY are you ready to move in.

VAL

I am too ready.

TEDDY

Mom are you ready to watch me dive?

PATI

Yes honey.

Teddy leaps off the diving board as Pati only watches for a second then focuses her attention back on Val.

PATI

Does Ed seem ready?

Val ponders this question.

VAL

Yea. He’s ready…

EXT. ED’S BACKYARD – DAY

Three GUYS in their twenties are playing Wiffleball. ED, (a stylized geek) DAVE and SAM.

Ed is at home plate holding a bat. Dave is pitching. Sam is hanging out watching the guys play.

SAM

…You’re not ready Ed.

ED

It’s not like we’re getting married. It’s just moving in together.

SAM

Wow. Just moving in huh? You’re definitely not ready.

Dave pitches to Ed and throws the ball into the dirt. Ed takes a big swing and misses.

ED

Look, there comes a point when you just have to go ahead and do it. Find out what it will be like. For gods sake Sam, you should know what the hell I’m talking about, you’re fucking married.

SAM

Hey, fucking and married have nothing to do with one another.

Ed has stopped waiting for Dave’s next pitch and is standing with his bat resting on his shoulder, looking at Sam.

Dave throws a pitch by Ed, right down-the-middle.

DAVE

Strike two.

ED

Speaking of fucking: Have you and that Alex chick done it yet Dave?

Dave winds up and hurls the Wiffleball directly at Ed. Ed “bails out” but the ball still hits him in the head.

Ed lies on the ground rubbing his forehead.

ED

I wasn’t ready for that.

  • I know there isn’t much to work with but if you have any comments, good or bad, please feel free to leave me some. I don’t care if you know nothing about screenwriting. Don’t be nice about it if you see a problem. I’m trying to use this as a motivational tool to get more writing done. Thanks!

About Mikey

I've been blogging and podcasting about Fresno, craft beer, film, music and the such since 2004. I like talking about the things that make Fresno, beer and podcasting unique. When your ears have time, check out my podcasts: Dorktown, Flowing With Famous, The Perfect Pour and Get Off My Podcast. Cheers!

Posted on January 12, 2005, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. What does Ed look like? I liked the comment about fucking and married being different.Thanks for blogrolling me – I must link you ASAPTishhttp://tishasharpthewriter.blogspot.com

    Like

  2. The first bit of description is a little cluttered.- VAL, a brunette, girl next door type, 21 years old, is laying in a lounge chair by a pool. Val’s friend PATI is beside her laying in her own lounge chair. -That can be more pithy. Or pithier. Whatever.”VAL and PATI, 21, relax by the pool.”Her hair colour isn’t relevant enough to warrant writing. What they’re relaxing in doesn’t matter because the director is going to put them wherever he/she wants anyway. Besides, we all know what relaxing by a pool sounds like. Also, you want to avoid any “PERSON is doing this. PERSON 2 is right next to him/her, doing the same thing.” Seems repetitive (did I spell that right?)- Pati’s eight year old boy TEDDY is standing on the diving board, prepared to dive – “Eight year old TEDDY prepares to dive in.”Again, just eliminating as many words as possible. The people who read the scripts first don’t like words. We assume he’s on a diving board, and if not, it’s not vital. He’s getting ready to dive, all is well.I would go through the rest of it, but that would be redundant, as that’s my only real complaint. Just do what I do: Go through the script, line by line, and at each paragraph, ask “How can I say this in as few words as possible?” That means taking anything out that the director will toss anyway (for example, the soundtrack).Remember that as a writer you want to create a flow for the reader. You’re not writing for the audience, you’re writing for the douchebag who has a pile of scripts to read and wants to get through them as quickly and painlessly as possible. Then, when your script is bought, you’re re-writing for the director. As for the dialogue, I didn’t think too highly of it, but I can’t speak much for dialogue. With the right actors I’m sure it would do the trick.Cheers.

    Like

  3. Thanks for the comments Matt. Sadly, I already know most of the rules you gave, yet I still ignored them or just didn’t notice.I will be changing the scene and hopefully getting some better dialog but that’s doubtfull.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: