Are you READY for this? (second draft)
In my spare time, I do some screenwriting (along with a trillion other people) so I thought I would start posting a scene or two and see if I can get some feedback from anybody…that means you anybody.
This is the set-up for a short I’ve written entitled “Ready Eddie”. It’s about a dork named ED who, for the first time, is having a girlfriend, VAL, move in with him. I’m using the word “ready” as some sort of a gimmic in this scene. It begins with Val and Ed’s friends debating if the two of them should be moving in together:
INT. PATI’S BACKYARD – DAY
VAL, girl next door type, 21 years old, is laying in a lounge chair by a pool with her friend PATI. Pati’s eight year old boy TEDDY is on the diving board.
NO WAY are you ready to move in.
I am too ready.
Mom are you ready to watch me dive?
Teddy leaps off the diving board as Pati only watches for a second then focuses her attention back on Val.
Does Ed seem ready?
Val ponders this question.
Yea. He’s ready…
EXT. ED’S BACKYARD – DAY
Three GUYS in their twenties are playing Wiffleball. ED, (a stylized geek) DAVE and SAM.
Ed is at home plate holding a bat. Dave is pitching. Sam is hanging out watching the guys play.
…You’re not ready Ed.
It’s not like we’re getting married. It’s just moving in together.
Wow. Just moving in huh? You’re definitely not ready.
Dave pitches to Ed and throws the ball into the dirt. Ed takes a big swing and misses.
Look, there comes a point when you just have to go ahead and do it. Find out what it will be like. For gods sake Sam, you should know what the hell I’m talking about, you’re fucking married.
Hey, fucking and married have nothing to do with one another.
Ed has stopped waiting for Dave’s next pitch and is standing with his bat resting on his shoulder, looking at Sam.
Dave throws a pitch by Ed, right down-the-middle.
Speaking of fucking: Have you and that Alex chick done it yet Dave?
Dave winds up and hurls the Wiffleball directly at Ed. Ed “bails out” but the ball still hits him in the head.
Ed lies on the ground rubbing his forehead.
I wasn’t ready for that.
- I know there isn’t much to work with but if you have any comments, good or bad, please feel free to leave me some. I don’t care if you know nothing about screenwriting. Don’t be nice about it if you see a problem. I’m trying to use this as a motivational tool to get more writing done. Thanks!